Well hello there. Glad I didn’t lose you after last week’s pity party. I’m back on track with today’s Tuesday Tear Down on Kale. This million dollar home is considered by the listing agent as a “fixer.” While there are rooms that definitely need to be updated (I’m looking at you Kitchen and Bathroom) the rest of the house will be great with just a little sweat equity. One room may need an exorcism…
1780 sq. ft.
Kale is in one of the most coveted neighborhoods in Oakland. It has everything people want: quaint streets, a cute shopping district filled with cute restaurants (serving artesian [insert classic ‘merican food here]) and cute shops within walking district; it’s close to public transportation and a good elementary school. For all these reasons, houses here are selling for more $$$ than in nearby, traditionally more expensive towns.
You’re waiting for a but, aren’t you? Welp, sorry to disappoint. There are no buts here. #punintended It’s a great neighborhood and whoever buys this house will be willing to pay for it. (Speaking of buyers, I predict a family with one working parent and two grade school kids will be the buyers.)
This house wouldn’t make a great flip though because though the two major rooms that sell houses (kitchens and baths) need updating, they are totally livable and could be redone over time. This means buyers will pay top dollar for this house, without factoring in the cost of the remodel, just to get in the neighborhood, leaving poor flippers with too small of a margin for profit to gamble on this one.
With just a little paint (none on the moulding, of course) and a refinished floor, this room will be good to go.
Did you also notice how BIG the area rug is? Well that’s probably hiding a lot of ugly. Should you tour this house, be sure to take a peak underneath.
Do NOT miss the ceiling!!!
The three sun burst mirrors in this room is a lot…What isn’t a lot is the built-in on the far wall.
Okay, here’s where you’ll have to start spending some money. I think you’ll want to replace everything but since the layout and the size are good, the only thing you need to decide is whether to make this a $60-$80k remodel or a $150k one. And that comes down to whether to go open concept or not. You know I’m biased but hear me out this kitchen is going to require a lot of tile, huge slabs of stone for the counters, probably custom cabinetry and appliances. All of those are the most expensive things in a kitchen remodel. So, save your shekles, keep the wall and splurge on the finishes. Are you convinced?
I’m going to hit you with the two worst rooms in a row. Get the scary out of the way. I submit that this room isn’t as scary as it looks. You could update this bathroom with a few easy fixes: new light fixture, new mirror, replace the counter top, sink and faucet, new white toilet lid and change the cabinet pulls. The tile on the walls (which you see under the window) is actually pretty great. It’s also a testament to the staying power of classic, neutral finishes.
There are four bedrooms + a mystery space off of the master. They’re all fine. Three of the bedrooms only need a little paint and new flooring. The mystery room is where the exorcism will have to start but first I’ll show you the first three bedrooms:
Okay, now for the master and mystery room. It’s a decent sized master with a lot of light and an attached bathroom. All of these things should make this room a winner but the mystery room kills it for me. You’ll see…
The mystery room is through the green glass door below…
Did it feel like something or someone was staring at you while you were looking at the picture above? Here’s what’s through the green glass paneled door…
Creepy right?! Why in the hell would they stage it with an old-timey, rocking cradle?! Everyone knows that this is the type of cradle that will inexplicably squeak one night while the cute babysitter is on the couch making out with her boyfriend. She’ll leave said boyfriend on the couch to go close the window to keep the cradle from blowing in the wind (obviously, it’s not her charge making the cradle swing because he’s asleep in the cool attic room, still wearing his Superman costume). The boyfriend won’t join, of course, because he’s too preoccupied trying to figure out a move to get around the Heismann she’s been doing all night to his hands whenever he tries reaching under her clothes. Five minutes pass and the cute babysitter still isn’t back. The boyfriend goes up stairs to find out what’s taking her so long. [He pushes the door open] And says “Heeellooooo?” Hearing nothing, he turns on the light and finds her severed head in the still rocking cradle. [Screen goes black. Credits roll.]
Now imagine that scene with this picture in mind:
Believe me now?
I really, really like and envy this backyard. Assuming the deck is in decent shape, all that is needed back here is a little sprucing with some plants, furniture and cafe string lights.
And the best part is that there would be very little maintenance once it’s done because most of the yard is concreted.
Okay, you’re about to see more of my sad, rookie Photoshopping. Just quickly scroll down and pretend the green is grass.
Did that give you an idea of the potential? No?! Fine. How about this inspiration picture:
The basement is completely unfinished but could be made into extra livable space. Most people around here don’t need/want full basements for family living but a lot of people are attracted to the idea of having income generating in-law units. It’s definitely possible. The real question is how much $$$ would it take?
Okay, there you go. How’d Kale show?
Before you go, I have one question for you: please explain to me the point of these t-shirts?
Is it a riff on Yale? If so, are they mocking or hailing it? Or is it just because kale is the latest and greatest vegetable to be pulled from obscurity? If it’s the latter, did this shirt just make kale uncool or cooler? Whatever the intent behind the shirt, if you buy this house, you are perhaps the only person who should be allowed to wear it.